The Misadventures of a Harry Potter Fanatic
by HeathroBonk
Summary: When is a Harry Potter fanfic not a Harry Potter fanfic? When it is attacked by evil movie directors, men that aren’t Arthur Dent, god’s gift to middle aged women and more…
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Kaylee is oh so wonderful. She is the most brilliant person i know. Her pen name is STRANGELY SIRIUS. Check her stuff out. Thank you for coming, please review.

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Once upon a time there was a girl. Her name was Hannah and she was a girl. One day she woke up. "I'm going to actually do something with my life today!" she said. So she got out of bed and went outside to have an adventure. While she was outside she met a man in a green bathrobe.

"Oh!" he said, "You're wearing pajamas too!"

Hannah gave him a funny look.

"Are you by any chance Arthur Dent?"

He laughed.

"No," he said, "I am just pretending to be Arthur Dent because it propagates interesting conversation."

Hannah thought this was a stupid answer, but she just laughed.

"Besides," the man continued, "I have to look a little like a wizard so I can take my children to the HBP release party."

Hannah gasped.

"That's today!" she screamed

"No," he answered, "I just wanted to see what your reaction would be"

And with that a large couch appeared in front of him and ran away down the road, carefully avoiding manholes. The man that wasn't Arthur Dent chased after it and was soon joined by Mos Def. At the bottom of the hill they jumped on the couch and disappeared of the face of this earth completely. Unfortunately, instead of ending up at an English cricket match, they landed in Now-What. But anyways.

Hannah watched them disappear in slight astonishment. She wondered if they would make sandwiches where they were going, but decided that it was more pertinent that she traveled to Valley Lane to give Kaylee her book back, SINCE SHE STILL HADN'T DONE THAT! Hannah vaguely wondered if there was some subliminal messaging going on and decided there was and also decided she would act upon it next time she saw Kaylee, because that would be the nice, friend-like thing to do. After making this decision, Hannah continued off down the road looking for more adventure, but while she was looking for adventure, she wasn't looking at the road and she fell down a manhole.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH! I have fallen down a man hole!" she yelled.

Hannah was really scared, but she decided to make the best of it and wandered on down the slimy tunnel. Eventually she ended up in a very large chamber-like room with snakes lining it and a monkey-ish man at the end, and lights and cameras everywhere.

"HEY!" someone screamed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT RANDOM GIRL DOING IN OUR SHOT!"

Hannah thought the prudent thing to do would be to sneak away quietly before they could tear her limb from limb. She also decided that she had never been prudent. It sounded too much like prud.

"YOU MORONS!" she screamed, "YOU HAVE COMPLETELY MASACRED THESE MOVIES! I MEAN...LUPIN WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH LILY! HARRY IS NOT IN LOVE WITH HERMIONE! THE MARAUDERS MAP SHOULD BE EXPLAINED! THAT STUPID WHOMPING WILLOW IS STUPID! HERMIONE IS NOT A SEXY TEENAGE GIRL! AND SHE SURE AS HELL ISN'T LYCANTHROPIC! HARRY POTTER IS NOT HORRIBLE AT ACTING! RON WEASLEY DOES NOT HAVE HOCKEY HAIR! WILL YOU PLEASE GET A CLUE! AND ROBBIE COLTRANE SHOULD STOP BEING STUPID AND UNGRATEFUL! AND… Well, my throat is getting sore so I'll stop now."

Everyone looked at Hannah in wonderment for a moment. Then all of a sudden she burst out...

"AND VIGGO MORTENSEN SHOULD BE SIRIUS, BECAUSE HE HAS THAT AWESOME RUGGED MAN THING GOING ON AND IS ACTUALLY HALFWAY SEXY!"

They continued staring in wonderment. After a while a random teenage Harry Potter geek spoke up.

"Er... you've got the wrong movie. This still has Chris Columbus. Here, borrow this time turner to go yell at Alfonso."

Hannah took the time turner and disappeared...

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Shameless Plugging/Disclaimer: Not only does Kaylee have no shame, but she does not own this story. Mostly. She wishes she owned Conor Oberst. Ahem. Anyways. Her pen name is Strangely Sirius. Check it out.

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When Hannah reappeared, she discovered that much of the nonexistent plot she had been involved in was now more nonexistent than ever because Hannah does not know how to save things on her computer. 

Nevertheless, she decided to continue on as if nothing had happened. Of course, she still apologized profusely to Kaylee because Kaylee had to try to remember what was in the second chapter because Hannah LOST IT. When Hannah was done kissing the ground that Kaylee walks on, she began to take in her surroundings.

_Ok now her and Bryce are talking about how they hate beer._

_Um... I thought he was drunk?_

_He is but not on beer evidently..._

_Ah_

_So continue on._

_Where were we..?_

_Oh yes ._

Back at the ranch...She began to take in her surroundings. It appeared that Hannah had landed in Omaha, Nebraska. She was not exactly sure how she knew this because she had never been to Omaha, Nebraska, at least not in this life. Though there was that one time when she had been a pot of petunias, but that's another story.

The point is she was in Omaha, Nebraska. She even put a comma between Omaha and Nebraska because Kaylee got killed by her English teacher for not doing that and Hannah thought it would make a nice memorial in her dead friend's honor. After Hannah was done putting commas in all the right places, she remembered how she knew she was in Omaha, Nebraska...

SHE HAD SEEN CONOR OBERST!

Hannah spontaneously died and joined Kaylee, but not in heaven because Kaylee isn't Baptist and therefore wouldn't be there. She just joined Kaylee and they fangirled at each other like their moms over Viggo. After that Hannah got offended by Kaylee's Baptist jokes and decided to reincarnate herself, assuming she could spell reincarnate correctly. coughspellcheckcough

So she saw Conor Oberst was just about to turn the street corner, and she sprinted after him so that she could get him to sign some wildly inappropriate part of her body. (Dane would be jealous.) Then Kaylee remembered that she had an epiphany and shut up before Hannah could finish her English teacher's bloody work.

Hannah mumbled, "That's right. You said it." under her breath but no one except Kaylee really understood what the hell she was going on about. Her dad really didn't understand and freaked out at Hannah. Hannah remained grounded because she is too stupid to manage to get ungrounded. ANYWAYS.

She chased Conor Oberst around the corner but was distracted by some guy screaming something about some Teenage Guide to Popularity.

All of a sudden some random girl with bright red hair walked up to Hannah. She looked at her for a few moments. Hannah looked back. then she started to get weirded out and backed away. suddenly the girl opened her mouth.

"Wouldn't it be ironic," she said, "if all of a sudden that time turner that you are displaying very obviously around your neck suddenly exploded and sent everyone on this street to the Philosophy Club?"

Hannah noted three things simultaneously: One was that she had never read Wicked and that therefore this joke went right over her head, the second was that that line seemed to be unceremoniously ripped off from another fanfic she had read, and the third was that she wasn't sure about the whole street but if it was just her and Conor Oberst she would be good. She would be very good. Especially because then she might finally be able to get some wildly inappropriate part of her body signed by him, ESPECIALLY because it was the Philosophy Club and wildly inappropriate is pretty much synonymous with that place.

Once again Kaylee's joke whooshed over Hannah's head. All of a sudden Hannah's time turner exploded and everyone on the street got sent to the Philosophy Club, except, strangely enough, Conor Oberst. Hannah thought this really really really sucked. It sucked even worse than moongoddess's grammar. And in addition to that it was even more wildly inappropriate than moongoddess's avvie.

The time turner around Hannah's neck randomly exploded again because staying in the Philosophy Club too long would garner and M rating for this fic. To cover up the fact that it had already exploded, Kaylee decided that Hannah secretly had TWO time turners. Yes. Two. That's right. I said it. Hannah and the dead Kaylee cackled madly while everyone else was severely confused and Hannah said twould .

To be continued...


	3. The Worst Chapter Ever

A/N: This is The Worst Chapter Ever. (Don't) enjoy.

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Everyone is in awe. Hannah is not in awe she is in pain because her time turner exploded which is generally a painful sort of thing ('Tis)

Hannah laid on the ground in a haze of pain and for the first time ever Katie walked into the story. "Ouch," Hannah said. Katie ignored her because she was reading and her friend's imminent death does not matter as compared to whatever she was reading

--time freezes--

Hmm, I've got another very off-subject question: Wednesdays after school I usually go up with some people to my church for a little while and just kind hang out -- listen to music, play air hockey, watch movies -- and I was wondering if you might want to come.

Come on, I thought we had gotten past this.

--time unfreezes--

Suddenly Hannah is in emotional pain, not because she was actually hurt but because Boy is inanely stupid and does not know HOW TO TAKE A FREAKING HINT! Because there were signs aplenty and more than whispers or whatever.

Kayleetries to remember what Ralph Fiennes said.

Hannah tries to figure out how to get it through Boy's thick skull that she doesn't like him, doesn't want to be around him, doesn't want to go to his house or his church or his anything, and how to get him to unblock her good friends Katie and Kaylee so they could have their fun.

Kaylee tries to figure out how to pronounce Fiennes. Katie looks up from her reading to point out whatever Kaylee comes up with will be wrong.

--time freezes--

So what did you say?

I said um so far and asked Ari what I should say because he is kind of unbiased.

--time unfreezes--

Kaylee says, "You know what else is wrong? Trism and Liir. So weird. Liir is like… bisexual like Conor Oberst…" Kaylee decides she has always like Liir.

Hannah does nothing. Kaylee decides that this story is supposed to be about Hannah and her adventures, but Hannah can't have any adventures if she doesn't pay attention. Kind of like everyone at Toast and Kevin's Concert.

--time freezes--

Ari says: would you do him?

Hannah says: no

Ari says: well then there is your answer

Ari says: no

Hannah says: well i don't want to just say no flat out

Ari says: yes you do its easier in the long run

--time unfreezes--

Hannah randomly says, "Would you do him?"

Liir flies into the room and appraises her

"Depends whether he tries to kill me or not."

Then Hannah jumped on Liir's broom and flew away with him.

_to be continued..._


	4. The Day Dylan, Bob Called My House

**The Day Dylan, Bob Called My House**

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to emo hair. Because it is sexy, no matter what Hannah says.

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-hem hem- (as in Umbridge)

Okay. When last we saw our hero she was flying away on a broomstick belonging to the one Liir, whose sexuality is in question, but Hannah never really cared about that anyway. No, she did not care; however, Hannah discovered she did care about the heights.

"OH MY GOD!" she screamed, "LET ME DOWN!"

"No," cackled Liir in a maddeningly cackly sort of way.

She was scared. But then, miraculously something happened then made Hannah momentarily forget her fears. A bolt of lightning descended from the heavens and Bob Dylan's voice rang out. Actually it didn't because I now have nowhere to go with that, but it can stay in the story and just go nowhere.

Anyways back to the story. The lightning descended AND STRUCK LIIR, and Liir disappeared to be replaced by...SIRIUS BLACK!

_Oh my god_, thought Hannah, _Oh My God. I have my arms around the sexiest fictional of character of all time. ALL FREAKING TIME!_

Images of snogging him senseless danced through her head. Yes those images were certainly dancing and they were not just snogging. . . visions of the Philosophy Club returned once more, seeing as Hannah has a dirty mind that is quite deep in the gutter.

"Oh my god," Hannah whispered hoarsely and/or sensuously.

"Yeah, we are quite high up," he said, misinterpreting Hannah's innuendo.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Hannah. It was unclear whether this was in fear or whether her fantasies had just gotten particularly intense, but the next minute she was screaming, "LET ME DOWN!"

"No," said Sirius laughing his extremely sexy laugh. It was a sexy laugh, really really very sexy. Like Conor Oberst's voice meets the color of Elijah Wood's eyes meets Johnny Depp's hair in pirates of the Caribbean. But Hannah would not be distracted.

"I'm serious, Black!" she yelled

"No," said Sirius. "I'm Sirius."

Hannah and Kaylee laughed because serious/Sirius jokes are ALWAYS funny. Always.

Now Hannah was laughing so hard at the serious/Sirius joke that she fell off the broom. And she fell and she fell and she fell and she landed... in Bob Dylan's arms.

But what about Sirius? You may ask. He will return. Fear not, brave fangirls. But right now Hannah is in Bob Dylan's arms.

"Hi," said Bob Dylan (his voice still rang out from the heavens).

-time freezes-

Jesus, do you know how long it took me to make that parenthesis? I kept typing 0 instead. What a pain in my ass. Okay anyways.

-time unfreezes-

"Hi," Hannah said back, "aren't you Bob Dylan?"

"No," said Bob Dylan, "that's not my real name, but I am."

"Uh..." said Hannah because Kaylee is not really clear on the point of this whole Bob Dylan isn't Bob Dylan thing.

"So," said Bob Dylan, "I tried to call your house yesterday but no one picked up."

Hannah was confused yesterday because caller ID said Dylan, Bob instead of Bob Dylan. She was also about to make a not-so-witty response to this when out of the sky swooped

SIRIUS! My hero. Except Sirius's name is not Yero, so it didn't rhyme and wasn't cool. What rhymes with Sirius? Delirious. Okay.

"Sirius!" Hannah screamed, "my delirious!"

-time freezes-

Okay there has to be a better word. What else rhymes with Sirius? Okay nothing. Forget it.

-time unfreezes-

Hannah did not scream Sirius's name followed by witty rhyme. She just fangirl screamed because I mean…wow, he's just so sexy, you know? Like… damn I need another good like. Sexy like...like emo hair meets my pole vaulting coach's ass meets…. okay I need one more… we can just tack Sufjan Stevens after orthodontia onto that other one.

-time freezes-

"Emo hair is not sexy freak," said an alternate Hannah.

"Are you kidding? Yeah it is."

"No it's not."

"We can replace that with eyeliner on guys."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Sounds good."

-time freezes-

So Sirius was sexy like… eyeliner on guys meets my pole vaulting coach's ass meets Sufjan Stevens after orthodontia. THAT IS HOW SEXY SIRIUS WAS!

The images came out to do an encore.

Damn. That is some kind of sexy. So while Hannah was screaming Bob Dylan dropped her, and he pointed off into the distance and his voice rang out from the heavens, proclaiming:

**"Oh my god, it's..."**


End file.
